She Comes First

About the Author

Ian Kerner, PhD, is a renowned psychotherapist and sexuality counselor who has become a prominent voice in the field of sexual health and relationships. His journey into the realm of sexuality was deeply personal, rooted in his struggles with premature ejaculation and feelings of inadequacy in the bedroom. These experiences sparked his curiosity and determination to understand human sexuality more deeply, particularly the nuances of female pleasure. Through rigorous study and personal experimentation, Kerner transformed his challenges into expertise, earning a doctorate in Clinical Sexology and becoming a faculty member at the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists. His work has helped countless individuals and couples navigate the complexities of sexual relationships, and his bestselling book, "She Comes First," has become a seminal text in the field of sex therapy.

Main Idea

"She Comes First" is a revolutionary guide that challenges the conventional, male-centric narrative of sexual satisfaction. Ian Kerner argues that for too long, sexual experiences have been defined by male pleasure, with penetration being seen as the pinnacle of sexual activity and male ejaculation marking the end. This perspective, Kerner suggests, often leaves women unsatisfied and disconnected from their own sexual potential. By prioritizing female pleasure—specifically through the act of cunnilingus—Kerner proposes a new approach to sex that not only enhances the woman's experience but also deepens the connection between partners. The book serves as a comprehensive manual for men (and anyone with a female partner) on how to understand and stimulate female sexual anatomy to ensure that the woman "comes first." Through this shift in focus, Kerner believes that both partners can achieve greater sexual fulfillment and intimacy.

Table of Contents

1. Introduction to Female-Centric Sexuality
2. Understanding Male-Centric Misconceptions
3. The Importance of Clitoral Stimulation
4. The Anatomy of Female Pleasure
5. The Four Stages of Female Sexual Response
6. The Art of Cunnilingus
7. After-Play and Post-Sex Care
8. Rewriting the Sexual Script

Introduction to Female-Centric Sexuality

Kerner's introduction to female-centric sexuality is a bold departure from the traditional narratives that have dominated sexual discourse for centuries. In many cultures, sex has historically been viewed through a male-centric lens, where male pleasure and orgasm are the primary goals, often at the expense of the woman's experience. This approach not only marginalizes female pleasure but also perpetuates myths that can lead to dissatisfaction and a lack of intimacy in relationships.

Kerner challenges these long-held beliefs by asserting that the true measure of a fulfilling sexual experience is not the man's orgasm but the woman's. He argues that when a woman's needs are prioritized, the sexual experience becomes more balanced and satisfying for both partners. This shift in focus requires men to rethink their approach to sex, moving away from the idea that penetration is the most important aspect and towards a deeper understanding of what actually pleases their partner. By placing the woman's orgasm at the center of the sexual experience, Kerner believes that both partners can enjoy a more profound connection and heightened pleasure.

"For too long, sex has been defined by male pleasure, with the woman's experience often relegated to an afterthought. It's time to change that narrative and prioritize the woman's needs, ensuring that she 'comes first.'" — Ian Kerner

Understanding Male-Centric Misconceptions

One of the most significant barriers to achieving female pleasure, according to Kerner, is the prevalence of male-centric misconceptions about sex. These misconceptions are deeply ingrained in our culture and often go unchallenged, leading to widespread dissatisfaction among women. Kerner identifies several key misconceptions that contribute to this problem:

• Penetration is the Pinnacle of Sex: Many men believe that vaginal penetration is the most important part of sex and that it should be the primary focus. However, research shows that most women do not orgasm from penetration alone and require external clitoral stimulation to reach climax. This misconception often leads to frustration and a lack of fulfillment for women.
• Sex Ends with Male Orgasm: Traditional views on sex suggest that once the man ejaculates, the sexual experience is over. This belief not only cuts short the woman's pleasure but also reinforces the idea that her needs are secondary. Kerner argues that this approach is fundamentally flawed and that sex should continue until both partners are fully satisfied.
• Speed is Sufficient: Men often believe that arousal and orgasm happen quickly for both genders, leading them to rush through the sexual experience. However, women generally take longer to become fully aroused and require more time and attention to reach orgasm. Kerner emphasizes the importance of patience and taking the time to build anticipation and arousal.

These misconceptions are not just inaccurate—they are harmful. They create unrealistic expectations and pressure for both men and women, leading to a cycle of dissatisfaction and frustration. By debunking these myths and promoting a more female-centric approach to sex, Kerner offers a pathway to greater intimacy and fulfillment.

"Male-centric beliefs about sex often leave women unsatisfied and disconnected from their own sexual potential. It's time to challenge these misconceptions and embrace a more balanced, female-centric approach." — Ian Kerner

The Importance of Clitoral Stimulation

At the heart of Kerner's philosophy is the clitoris, a small but incredibly powerful organ that plays a central role in female sexual pleasure. Unlike male sexual anatomy, where the penis is the primary source of pleasure, the female clitoris is a complex network of nerves that extends beyond the visible external part. This network is highly sensitive, and understanding its intricacies is key to helping women achieve orgasm.

Kerner emphasizes that most women require direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, a fact that is often overlooked or misunderstood by many men. The clitoris is not just an external organ; it has internal components that contribute to sexual pleasure. The visible part, known as the clitoral head, is just the tip of the iceberg. Beneath the surface lies a network of nerves that extends into the pelvis and surrounds the vaginal canal. This internal network is equally important in creating a deeply satisfying sexual experience.